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October 1, 2013

VILLAGE IDIOT: Who wears the sweatpants in the house?

After Sue wrote “Wash me” with her finger in the dust on the most expensive piece of exercise equipment I own, I joined the health club. At home, I just wasn’t getting it done. I’d walk past the equipment 20 times a day and say to myself, “I’ll do that right after lunch.” After lunch, I’d think, “It can wait till after dinner. But should you really exercise after a heavy meal? I’ll do it in the morning.”

Besides, there’s so much other stuff to do at home, so many distractions — answer the phone, let out the cat, vacuum the carpets, let in the cat, do the laundry, let out the cat, go on an errand, let in the cat, shop for dinner, let in the cat, oh, he’s already in, visit Facebook, check my email, let out the cat, and watch that TV infomercial about how much better I’d feel and look if I just bought this one piece of exercise equipment that does everything the other one doesn’t.

But it turns out that lying on the sofa, watching “Duck Dynasty,” eating Hot Pockets and listening to the cat snore next to a piece of exercise equipment doesn’t really melt away the pounds. Owning it isn’t enough: Apparently, you have to use it. Who knew?

Unless you’re a truly motivated person, it’s almost impossible to stick to a regime at your own house. Besides, you don’t really need any fancy equipment to do pushups, crunches or squats; you just have to do them. If you’re not already exercising without the equipment, you won’t suddenly start exercising with it. That’s why I joined the health club. Once you’re there, there’s not much else to do but exercise.

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