Published: November 07, 2009 02:35 pm      

Mutterings from a sports-aholic

Talk about nirvana, on a recent Saturday I lounged smugly in my recliner, armed with remote, and clicked back and forth between five NCAA football games. My testosterone level bounced off the ceiling. PJ went shopping.

More games were available, but who wants to watch Brown versus Yale, unless you paid through the nose to matriculate from either?

There may be an East Coast sports bias, but the West Coast is the premier viewing region with games beginning at 9 a.m. and running until 10 p.m., just in time for bed.

I can report that my survey says that at least three of the five broadcasts were always running commercials at the same time, often four of five. Mutter, grumble, gripe. The voice-over should have said, “We interrupt this commercial for a football game.”

By the time you add up team timeouts, television timeouts, play stoppage for injuries and slo-mo reviews, players can catch some shut-eye about 20 times per game. A player could blow out a knee in quarter one and recover in time for the fourth.  

This got me to thinking — a dangerous thing — about sports in general.

Football remains a vicious sport. The players are larger and faster than ever. The protective equipment and protective penalties can barely keep pace. I stopped watching boxing 30 years ago for its brutality. My football allegiance comes from playing high school football. Well, at least I kept the bench warm, and didn’t break anything.

Except for maybe rugby players, football players earn the macho trophy. Rugby roughians rumble about pummeling each other without protective gear. My only hitch is that they spend a lot of time, arms linked, in those massive huddles.

There is much to admire about the athleticism of NHL players, regardless of their fisticuffs-on-skates’ acumen. But until a goal is scored, I have difficulty following the puck.

Football players perform in all weather conditions, unless a tornado swoops down, though more professional teams are playing in domes. Wimps. If the Green Bay Packers ever build a dome, Vince Lombardi will snarl from his grave.

Professional golfers rank first on the sports wimps meter. Every drive, pitch or putt is stroked to complete silence. Spectators have to pass a health test, coughers barred. So are babies. Air traffic controllers plot planes away from PGA courses. Cell phones are off. Birdies are allowed but not birds, especially those chatty blue jays.    

The PGA would ban thunder if it could. When it thunders, golfers run for cover.

Can you imagine a silent Neyland Stadium (home of the Tennessee Volunteers) with the score tied in the fourth quarter, and the visiting team is driving for the winning touchdown?

Can you imagine a silent, motionless Boston Gardens while Kobe Byrant is shooting free throws with two seconds left and the Lakers down by one?

When playoff time comes, television rules the schedule — so much so that teams can go on vacation between games. The NHL season, the longest of professional team sports at eight-plus months, now ends mid-June. The NBA season lasts 7.5 months, also ending in June. Isn’t June still the first month of summer?  

Baseball used to be the longest national pastime.

If the New York Yankees hadn’t won the World Series this year, the owner should have demanded that the players return half of their salaries. The Yankees’ player payroll is over $208 million. The next closest team is the New York Mets at $145 million. Other 2009 MLB playoff teams: Boston, $122 million; Los Angeles Angels, $119 million; Philadelphia, $111 million; Los Angeles Dodgers, $100 million; St. Louis, $87 million; Colorado, $72 million; and Minnesota, $67 million. The Pittsburgh payroll is a paltry $25 million. Only Washington lost more games.  

This was the 40th time the Yankees have appeared in the fall classic, a statistic no doubt grating to Chicago Cub fans.  

The highest paid person in professional sports, sans endorsements, is Alex Rodriguez, $33 million. Without a post season, Alex would have made $204,000 per game, $23,000 per inning and nearly $6,000 per at bat. Yet five teammates had more hits during the regular season. The Yankees trio of Teixeira, Jeter and A-Rod raked in over $75 million, more than the payrolls of 13 MLB teams.

In basketball, Tracy McGrady of the Houston Rockets tops the charts at more than $23 million. He was injured most of last season, and is still not playing.

Pretty good gig.

Tiger Woods makes so much money with endorsements, his golf habit almost seems like a hobby.  

Late October and early November is sports-hyperventilation time. The hockey season began in early October, the NBA season just launched, the NCAA football season is sorting the chaff from the wheat, and it’s World Series time. It’s also an expensive time. After PJ’s Angels tanked, she returned to competitive shopping, and an expletive-free zone.  

Just remember to breathe deeply and sleep with the remote.

• Keith Frohreich, a Cass County native, is a free-lance columnist who resides in Los Angeles.