Published: October 10, 2008 08:22 pm         

What the lawyers say and what they mean

I offer my profound apologies to all honest, hardworking lawyers who practice law. I know many of them, and have the utmost respect for them. I don’t apologize to those who sue insurance companies for a living, sue doctors for a living, sue drug companies for a living, sue anybody for a living and those who relate themselves to the roadside curs by chasing ambulances. My unapology goes double for the miscreants in the American Civil Liberties Union, who make a habit of standing for everything that is bad for America.

Now, having said that, I have a few things to say. For beginners, I thought mesothelioma, which is said to be caused by asbestos, was worn out long ago, but I was mistaken. There is a number to call now if anyone in your family or your distant cousin’s family ever suffered from mesothelioma, because (I guess) some lawyers have found a way to persuade a jury that living in the same block with anyone who had it or was exposed to it makes you likely to get it. If you have been exposed in this manner, call this number. Meaning: Give me a chance, and I’ll make this company pay through the nose. You may never realize a dime, but I need a new Lincoln Navigator, or perhaps an Escalade.

If you have an accident, call us. It’s just that easy, or if you have an accident, call us. We mean business. I guess the implication here is that all insurance companies, who might only want to pay you what you have coming, are basically dishonest. What the lawyers mean is that it is just that easy to pocket some insurance money (kind of like extortion), and they are serious about the business of getting in on the results of your bad luck because they want to add a wing to their house.

What I would like to know is what is honest about suing for something extra if you don’t have it coming, and the lawyers who will become involved in these cases don’t drive Cadillacs and Mercedes because they work cheap either. All of these expenses the insurance companies have to pay eventually show up in our bills, and mine is high enough already.

I remember one time that I had a fender bender at the corner of 11th and Market streets. It was the other guy’s fault, and he gave me his name and insurance company just like he was supposed to, but before he and I settled it between us, a lawyer presented himself to me and gave me his card with the admonition that he had seen it all. I thanked him and contacted the senior Bob Barr, my insurance man, and everything was taken care of.

I have to tell you another one about Bob here. I parked my car and walked up the alley to Durbin’s gun shop once on some business, and when I came back to my car, I walked around the rear and got in on the driver’s side. When I took off, I heard a lot of grinding and crunching, the result of a paper boy leaning his bike against the front of my car while he delivered some papers. I felt bad about it, but I couldn’t do anything for him except give him Bob’s number. Bob took care of everything, but later on he asked me please not to run over any more English racing bikes. I think he used another adjective, but can’t remember for sure.

If you have ever used this drug, call this number. We will give you a free consultation, because people have died from using it or got the “Jake Leg” or whatever. That one is becoming quite popular. What is probably meant here is that this guy thought if one sex enhancement drug capsule would make him perform, five of them would make him awesome. (As opposed to dead.) The trouble was his age didn’t make him wise. Lawyers, however, are well aware that drug companies have deep pockets, so even if it only gave you a runny nose and a headache, let them in on your fun to give those drug companies a lesson. It wasn’t the old guy’s fault he overdosed, and his wife really needs that face lift.

I would really like to know why anyone would be interested in taking a drug that might make you break out in hives, dangerously lower your blood pressure, give you an uneven heart beat, damage your ability to see or hear, and give you suicidal tendencies. Could it really be worth that? Janie and I can’t believe they try to sell you a drug, and then give you five or six reasons to never use it, but then, lawyers have to make a living.

Joe Bowyer is a columnist for the Pharos-Tribune. He can be reached through the newspaper at ptnews@pharostribune.com