Published: September 05, 2008 04:53 pm         

Thinking of that final hurrah

My good friend’s father just died. He had specified cremation with no service whatsoever. Instead, my friend made arrangements for a graveside service (military, 21 gun salute, bagpiper, praise and poems, roses on the carved box containing his ashes), followed by a viewing at the funeral home (picture boards and videos and flowers and displays of military medals and more), followed by a Masonic ceremony.

It was quite an elaborate tribute, all in all, and I don’t suppose he’d have really cared if it was what she needed to do to help her cope with his death.

My mother has willed her body to Indiana University. When she dies, I’ll still call the mortuary to pick her up but from there, IU will come and get her. They can keep her for two years, using her as a teaching tool for young doctors or scientists or whoever. After that, her remains (whatever they may be) will be cremated and they’ll send them back to me if I want them. I don’t know what happens to them if I don’t. In fact, I don’t even know what will happen to them if I do. I’ve known people who spread their loved ones ashes at sea and over a beloved rose garden and from the top of a mountain, but Mom isn’t a sea or rose or mountain lover. I don’t think I’m one to keep a box of ashes on the mantel. Bury them with Dad, I suppose.

My own funerary ideas have changed with time. When I worked at the sheriff’s department and loved my job and my deputies, I hoped for a semi-law enforcement funeral, at least as much of one as a civilian can have. I knew my guys would rise to the occasion and I could count on an honor guard and a regulation Sheriff’s Department wreath, a parade of police cars with lights and sirens going, and maybe a last transmission by Dispatch that WSD96 (I think) had gone 10-42 for the last time.

When my job disappeared under the circumstances it did (fired by a new sheriff who believed I might not be sufficiently supportive in the next election), my dreams for a law enforcement funeral disappeared with it.

So I had to re-think what would happen when I died. I knew I did not want a viewing. I knew I did not want a minister (no minister knows me sufficiently well to give a sincere accounting of who I was or what my somewhat quirky beliefs are, and I would hate someone to just stand and try to make me sound like the saint I know I’m not). I knew I did not want a traditional funeral organ playing traditional funeral music. I knew I did not want flowers or really any contribution from friends who need their money for more important things (although for those who believe so strongly in tradition if they must make a donation, I’d prefer anything to do with veterans). I’d prefer, if I’m buried instead of cremated, and I don’t really care either way, not to be either embalmed or put in a vault (although this is probably Government Regulation Number 2,497 by now). I’ve always thought ashes to ashes couldn’t happen soon enough for me.

I picked out a couple of songs (I Can See Clearly Now by Johnny Nash and Put a Candle in the Window by Credence Clearwater Revival) and that was as far as I got before I lost interest in the whole affair. So that’s where it stands right now - two songs. If I die tomorrow, I guess my son will be on his own to figure it out as best he can. I keep thinking I’ll go down and talk to my friends at the funeral home and do what Mom did. No fuss, no muss, and it has the advantage of being cheap. So far, I haven’t got around to it because, of course, we always think we have lots of time..

I guess I really believe that the very best remembrance the people who care about me could have is simply to have dinner together somewhere. If I leave enough money (unlikely), I’d be glad to treat but if not they’ll have to assume the cost on their own. And while they’re eating their steak and drinking their wine (or whatever), just tell some anecdotes that start out, “remember that time she..” and then all laugh together. God knows, I’ll leave them enough material.

Vicki Williams is a columnist for the Pharos-Tribune. She can be reached through the newspaper at ptnews@pharostribune.com