February 14, 2014

[friday]: I dated a snowman


---- — As every couple knows, Valentine’s Day is a great day to take your significant other out to eat. If you want to wait two hours for a seat.

Face it. V-Day is fraught with challenges for both guys and gals who are dating, engaged or married. It’s worse if you’re not sure you’re dating. Or if you’ve only been dating a week. Or if you’re definitely not dating at all.

Which is where my Snowman Boyfriend came in.

About four years ago, two of my best friends and I were all single. It was the Saturday that every couple under the sun was buying popcorn and Pringles to watch “Valentine’s Day,” the movie. Can you think of torture worse than watching that movie?

So while everyone else was suffering misery of the acutest kind, we three gals decided to take our romantic prospects into our own hands.

It was a day much like any day this past month: Snow covered the ground. Someone had already built a 9-foot-tall snowman a few blocks away. It was our turn.

Snowmen make great boyfriends, we decided.

1. They listen. They gaze deeply into your gorgeous eyes as they drink in your every word. Or maybe that’s just their frozen stare.

2. They don’t care if you tell them they’re too fat. In fact, they’re more than willing to undergo bariatric surgery to beef up that six-pack. Never mind that they also have sticks for arms. Literally. Sticks. Who wants to be embraced by a stick?

3. They will never walk out on you. You need legs for that.

My Snowman Boyfriend was probably named Horatio, or maybe Heraldo. I don’t actually remember. I only dated him for a few hours.

But I wasn’t too heartbroken when he melted. He had weird hair. I confess it. I dated a guy whose hair looked like maple leaves. I swore I would never do that again. See, I learn from my mistakes.

And he had a twig from a maple tree for lips. Have you ever tried to kiss a maple twig?

I promise, my taste in guys has vastly improved since then. Mostly they taste like sassafras.

A word to the wise, though. Snow is cold. Wear gloves.

You can’t let frostbite get in the way of building your own romance.

– Sarah Einselen

Friday editor / A snowman’s ex