Pharos-Tribune

Breaking News

Entertainment

February 14, 2014

[friday]: I dated a snowman

As every couple knows, Valentine’s Day is a great day to take your significant other out to eat. If you want to wait two hours for a seat.

Face it. V-Day is fraught with challenges for both guys and gals who are dating, engaged or married. It’s worse if you’re not sure you’re dating. Or if you’ve only been dating a week. Or if you’re definitely not dating at all.

Which is where my Snowman Boyfriend came in.

About four years ago, two of my best friends and I were all single. It was the Saturday that every couple under the sun was buying popcorn and Pringles to watch “Valentine’s Day,” the movie. Can you think of torture worse than watching that movie?

So while everyone else was suffering misery of the acutest kind, we three gals decided to take our romantic prospects into our own hands.

It was a day much like any day this past month: Snow covered the ground. Someone had already built a 9-foot-tall snowman a few blocks away. It was our turn.

Snowmen make great boyfriends, we decided.

1. They listen. They gaze deeply into your gorgeous eyes as they drink in your every word. Or maybe that’s just their frozen stare.

2. They don’t care if you tell them they’re too fat. In fact, they’re more than willing to undergo bariatric surgery to beef up that six-pack. Never mind that they also have sticks for arms. Literally. Sticks. Who wants to be embraced by a stick?

3. They will never walk out on you. You need legs for that.

My Snowman Boyfriend was probably named Horatio, or maybe Heraldo. I don’t actually remember. I only dated him for a few hours.

But I wasn’t too heartbroken when he melted. He had weird hair. I confess it. I dated a guy whose hair looked like maple leaves. I swore I would never do that again. See, I learn from my mistakes.

And he had a twig from a maple tree for lips. Have you ever tried to kiss a maple twig?

I promise, my taste in guys has vastly improved since then. Mostly they taste like sassafras.

A word to the wise, though. Snow is cold. Wear gloves.

You can’t let frostbite get in the way of building your own romance.

– Sarah Einselen

Friday editor / A snowman’s ex

sarah.einselen@pharostribune.com

1
Text Only | Photo Reprints
Entertainment
  • [friday]: Behind the scenes at 'Shrek' Sometimes you just gotta have an accent.This week has been a busy one for the children and teens involved in Junior Civic Theater. Almost every night has been some kind of rehearsal. I sat in for part of Tuesday’s tech rehearsal and chatted with a fe

    July 25, 2014

  • "Hercules" movie poster Movie preview: “Hercules”

    Plot: Having endured his legendary twelve labors, Hercules, the Greek demigod, has his life as a sword-for-hire tested when the King of Thrace and his daughter seek his aid in defeating a tyrannical warlord.

    July 24, 2014 1 Photo

  • "Lucy" movie poster Movie preview: “Lucy”

    Plot: Writer/director Luc Besson helms this action-thriller that tracks a woman who falls prey to sinister underworld forces, but gains superhuman abilities that allow her to strike back at her oppressors.

    July 24, 2014 1 Photo

  • Music-Eric Clapton [Duplicate] [Duplicate] Eric Clapton says thank you to JJ Cale with 'The Breeze' NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) — For Eric Clapton, the early 1970s were filled with drug addiction, personal difficulties and growing dissatisfaction with music. Singer-songwriter JJ Cale rescued him and gave him a direction, though the man known as the main

    July 24, 2014 1 Photo

  • Jamie Kennedy live in Kokomo this weekend Actor and stand-up comedian Jamie Kennedy said he's excited for his first-ever trip to the City of Firsts — a place he has heard only one thing about. He laughed Wednesday night, saying the only thing he's heard about Kokomo is that it's home to a pl

    July 24, 2014

  • Film Review Lucy [Duplicate] [Duplicate] Review: 'Lucy' won't stretch your brain capacity So let's start with the enticing premise of Luc Besson's "Lucy," starring Scarlett Johansson: Human beings only use 10 percent of their brain capacity. Imagine what it would be like if we could access all of it? Well, wow. It would be sort of like ..

    July 24, 2014 1 Photo

  • TV-CBS-Colbert [Duplicate] [Duplicate] CBS says Colbert keeping CBS' 'Late Show' in NYC NEW YORK (AP) — Stephen Colbert will not only be following in David Letterman's footsteps, he'll be doing it on the same stage. CBS said Wednesday that Colbert, who is replacing Letterman as the "Late Show" host next year, will keep the show in New Y

    July 23, 2014 1 Photo

  • No romance for 'Downton Abbey' in-laws, say actors BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. (AP) — Michelle Dockery and Allen Leech of "Downton Abbey" say Cupid's arrow is not headed for their characters. While talking to a TV Critics' panel Tuesday, the actors said they find it "very funny" some fans are hoping for a

    July 23, 2014

  • Film Review-Magic in the Moonlight-3 [Duplicate] [Duplicate] Review: Allen casts a limp spell in 'Magic' Woody Allen's late period has been defined by a quality you wouldn't have expected from the man who produced the inspired chaos of "Bananas" or the Fellini-esque carnival of "Stardust Memories": tidiness. For years now, Allen's films have been light

    July 23, 2014 1 Photo

  • Film-Old Directors-3 [Duplicate] [Duplicate] Working late in life, directors refuse to say cut Visiting a retired Frank Capra at his Sierra Nevada hideaway, Clint Eastwood was baffled. "I always thought: 'He could be making a film right now. He's as lucid as could be. Here's the great Frank Capra not doing it,'" Eastwood recalled of the famed

    July 22, 2014 1 Photo

Hyperlocal Search
Premier Guide
Find a business

Walking Fingers
Maps, Menus, Store hours, Coupons, and more...
Premier Guide
Poll

The Pence administration continues to cut Indiana agency budgets despite a state surplus of $2 billion. Is this wise management of state funds?

Yes
No
Not sure
     View Results
Featured Ads
AP Video
Judge Faces Heat Over Offer to Help Migrant Kids Kerry: No Deal Yet on 7-Day Gaza Truce Kangaroo Goes Missing in Oklahoma More M17 Bodies Return, Sanctions on Russia Grow Gaza Residents Mourn Dead Amid Airstrikes Raw: Deadly Tornado Hits Virginia Campground Ohio State Marching Band Chief Fired After Probe Raw: Big Rig Stuck in Illinois Swamp Cumberbatch Brings 'Penguins' to Comic-Con Raw: Air Algerie Crash Site in Mali Power to Be Restored After Wash. Wildfire Crashed Air Algerie Plane Found in Mali Israel Mulls Ceasefire Amid Gaza Offensive In Case of Fire, Oxygen Masks for Pets Mobile App Gives Tour of Battle of Atlanta Sites
Parade
Magazine

Click HERE to read all your Parade favorites including Hollywood Wire, Celebrity interviews and photo galleries, Food recipes and cooking tips, Games and lots more.