---- — The other day at the super-market the periodical display was chock-full of all these splashy publications — so many, in fact, that one bundle had remained unopened due to a shortage of space on the rack. Curious, I tore back the brown wrapping of the package and there it was: Storage Solutions. Yes, that’s right: there was not enough room on the shelves to include this magazine.
Storage Solutions is dedicated to assisting the busy housewife (or househusband, of course) in finding efficient ways to put away stuff, most of which, I think we all know, should probably have been thrown away in the first place. By the way, I always thought the word “storage” had the letter “e” in the middle of it. Dan Quayle agrees with me. Where did it go? Maybe there was no room for it.
I glanced more closely and saw this was a “Special Double Issue.” Interesting that the editors couldn’t fit everything into one edition. Also on the cover was the tease: FIND SPACE YOU DIDN’T KNOW YOU HAD. My guess is that at one time you knew you had it, but you put it somewhere and now you can’t find it. I know that makes no sense, but when I make myself laugh, that pretty much means it’s going in the column.
On the back page was a huge ad for fifthroom.com. Later, I logged onto the site and realized that this was for people who didn’t want to install shelves, hooks and cabinets and instead just wanted to buy a prefab shed, gazebo or pool house, or maybe a giant cedar chest, and just cram all their crapola into one place. You can also purchase something called a pergola but I had no idea what that was and I didn’t want to make any room in my brain for more useless information.
The editor’s name is Debra and her editorial this month is titled: “Help, I Need More Space!” Last month it was: “Do You Need More Space?” And in March, get ready for: “Space, I Think That’s What We All Need!” The pages are filled with colorful photographs of homes that don’t have much furniture, but just a lot of adjustable nooks and crannies. With every picture, the first thing you think of is not how people have effectively used their limited space, but what possessed them to buy so much junk to begin with.
These are actual tips from the magazine. You can thank me later for bringing them to your attention:
1. Store books on a shelf vertically so you can read the titles. (I know, I know — how cool an idea is that?)
2. Use large hooks for coats, backpacks and gym bags, but use smaller ones for keys and dog leashes. (Seriously, why didn’t I think of this?)
3. Use a basket in your hall closet for gloves. (… because you’d never find those mittens in your coat pockets?)
4. Use empty jars to store paper clips and loose screws. (Was this magazine the best 10 bucks I ever spent?)
When Mary Ellen saw me reading Storage Solutions, she asked if she could see it when I was finished. I told her I’d roll it up and stick it in the wine rack. No, that idea was not in the magazine. Proud to say, that one was all mine.
Dick Wolfsie is a television news reporter, syndicated humor columnist and author. He can be reached at Wolfsie@aol.com.