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Columns

September 4, 2013

PARKER: Mirror, mirror on the wall

The president is up early, already showered and preparing to shave. Wiping steam from the mirror, he grimaces slightly at his image.

Obama: Good grief, I look old. So much gray.

Mirror: “Aw, lighten up, Bo, it makes you look distinguished. You can’t wage war without a few streaks of worry showing in your face and hair.”

(Obama hits his megawatt smile switch.)

Even my smile looks old. And by the way, Bo is the dog. I am Barack Obama. I am the president of the United States, leader of the free world. ...

“Keep telling yourself that, buddy, and maybe you’ll be able to believe it. All the other presidents managed to.”

Buddy was also a dog. What’s your problem?

“Nothing, just trying to keep you grounded. So what’s it going to be, Mr. Red Line? You going to go it alone?”

What the?! What is wrong with David Cameron? I can’t count on anybody! (Obama nicks his chin.) First, John Boehner can’t get those tea party nitwits to do anything — “anything!” — and now the Brits won’t go with me to Syria. Where’s Tony Blair when you need him?! Probably making a pilgrimage someplace. Maybe I should become a Catholic, too. Then I can say, oops, I guess I was wrong, but, you know, I did what I thought was best.

“I’m not sure Cardinal Dolan would go for that after you, ahem, misled him on the whole religious liberty thing. But, hey, at least you’ve got the French.”

Ah “oui.” Assad must be terrified.

“But, yeah, Blair and Bush didn’t even have WMD. We at least know that Assad has chemical weapons and used them against his own people. You’re stuck with those images, buddy. Oh, sorry. Have you heard from Colin?”

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