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June 20, 2014

[friday] KNISELY: Grass, a hidden enemy of mankind

Grass, a hidden enemy of mankind

I hate mowing. No, I loathe mowing.

I’m terrible at mowing. OK, I can do a good job but I don’t. It’s just that I don’t care. I mean it doesn’t matter how well I do or don’t do it because the grass is coming back regardless.

You could spend hours creating a perfectly manicured yard, but why? It’s not like it’s going to stay that way. You turn the mower off and you can practically hear the grass growing. Listen close enough and you can hear the blades’ maniacal laughter.

It’s true. Grass is evil.

Furthermore, I’ve come to the realization that grass is preparing itself for a war against humankind. Grass has created this weekly ritual of mowing as a way to distract us from what’s really going on. Don’t believe me? Well, I did some research online, and I think the evidence just might startle you.

• There are about 10,000 types of grass.

Grass isn’t stupid. It knows there is power in numbers and is building an army.

• The sizes of grass can vary from short lawn grasses to as tall as 120 feet.

In reality, the smaller minion grasses are manufacturing these giants with which to attack humankind.

• Because of the high demand of artificial grass for such places as sport arenas, the grass producing industry is multi-million dollar business.

The grass has duped us silly humans into producing more of it. We’re unwittingly growing its army for it!

• Worldwide, grasses are a main part of people’s diet. Grasses provide all of our cereal crops, the grazing for our domesticated cattle and sheep, and most of the world’s sugar.

Truth be told, grass has infiltrated our food supply. It’s only a matter of time before it cuts off our nutritional resources and laughs as we die en masse.

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