Pharos-Tribune

Columns

July 23, 2013

VILLAGE IDIOT: Live long and prosper

(Continued)

And the thing is, can you really call being 350 pounds an accident? It’s like getting “accidentally” run over by a glacier that moves 2 inches a year. Didn’t you hear all the people yelling “Walk for your life”? Weighing 350 pounds and wondering why you’re getting sick is like buying a house next to the airport and wondering why it’s so noisy.

EMTs are saying they need bigger ambulances for the bigger patients; hospitals say they need bigger beds and bigger wheelchairs; funeral parlors are ordering bigger and bigger (and more and more expensive) caskets. Where will it end?

Every now and then, you’ll see a story about a person so large they have to break out a window and use a forklift to get him or her out of the house. My friend Dr. Sam says he has a money-making solution to the problem. Not the helicopter part of the problem, but the coffin part. He dreams of starting a business called “Dr. Sam’s Postmortem Liposuction.” It works like this: When a super-sized person dies, instead of going through the expense of ripping out a wall, hiring a special hearse and spending thousands extra on a giant coffin, you simply call Dr. Sam. For half the price of all that, he shows up with a few 5-gallon buckets and starts liposuctioning the body until it’s small enough to use all the normal modes of transportation.

It may sound silly now, but I can easily see this service being advertised in an infomercial on late-night television, with Dr. Sam saying things like, “Call in the next 10 minutes and get an extra 5-gallon bucket for free.”

I should mention here that I just play golf with Dr. Sam; I’m not even sure he’s a medical doctor. It sounds like something only a Ph.D. would think up.

Jim Mullen is the author of “It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life,” “Baby’s First Tattoo” and “Now in Paperback.” He can be reached at jim_mullen@myway.com.

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