It transforms into nothing. It does not speak or let you change its diapers or comb its hair. Calling this a toy is like calling a feed bag a prom dress. As a present, it would be worse than giving your kid a lump of coal for Christmas. At least the child can burn the coal. No one wants to burn $800.
Wouldn’t you know it, I inherited one of these so-called “dolls” from an elderly aunt. I don’t collect them, and no one I know collects them, so I put it on eBay to get the depressing thing out of my home before it sucked out my will to live. And to get a quick $800. There’s no doubt I could buy something much more fun than that doll for $800. Like a hair shirt. Or leg irons.
There are lots of dolls like this for sale on eBay for $800, but they’re not up for auction. They are always listed as “Buy it Now” with a price. So, I took a few flattering pictures of my windfall and waited for the bids to come in. The first bid was for $29. Well, that’s OK, I thought. You start low, and it grows from there. There were six and a half days left for people to bid the doll up to its true value. And sure enough, they did. The final price? $39.
Well, I got it for free, so I didn’t lose any money. And in truth, I wouldn’t have paid that much for it. Now that it’s gone, I can get back to looking for Van Goghs in the neighbor’s trash.
Jim Mullen is the author of “It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life,” “Baby’s First Tattoo” and “Now in Paperback.” He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.