Pharos-Tribune

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October 6, 2013

KNISELY: My front porch of death

(Continued)

Without a reason to hang an animal's presence on, I'm left to worry it's not an animal at all. I've entertained several non-animal theories, each more ridiculous than the last.

The one theory I've given the most thought to is that it's a secret admirer leaving "presents" at my doorstop. In the theory, it’s like the movie "Zookeeper." If you haven't seen it, a zookeeper learns that the animals he cares for can talk. The animals help him attract a woman and give him some advice better suited for dating in the animal kingdom.

So, my theory started as a hypothesis that this admirer has a cat advising him on how to woo a woman. The cat tells him of how other cats he knows have gotten a new owner's attention by leaving dead animals at the front door. In the cat’s story, these gifts were well received. Beloved even.

It's gone so far that I have an image in my head of the cat telling these stories.

"Works every time," the cat says slyly, sitting with its legs crossed as it flicks off the ashes from his cigar.

I would say I need professional help, but there's something else I need more. What I really need is whatever is leaving dead animals on my porch to find a new hangout, because it's clearly turning me into a crazy person.

Misty Knisely, managing editor, can be reached at 574-732-5155 or via email at misty.knisely@pharostribune.com. Follow her: @PharosMK

 

 

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