Pharos-Tribune

Columns

October 6, 2013

KNISELY: My front porch of death

My front porch has turned into a killing ground. Every time I go out the front door, it seems, I find new remains. Remains of what, I don't know. All that's left is fur and some skin. The predator, however, seems to have an affinity for animals with grey fur.

I've heard rustling on the porch many evenings, but I've never been able to catch the killer in the act. I try to peek through the curtains with no luck. The way the porch and windows are situated — and because its favorite killing spot is in the far corner — I can't see anything. If I open the door, it's gone before I get outside, taking its dinner with it.

Many times, I'll open the door at random intervals of an evening and yell, "Boogity boogity boogity," in hopes of scaring off anything that happens to be there. It's a tactic I worked long and hard at developing, so I'm stumped as to why it's not working.

Despite all my efforts though, I have swept up more furry creatures than I'd care to count.

But what continues to concern me most is, why my porch? I don't keep animals, so it's not attracted to a critter in the house. I've never fed a stray animal. I don't even have a bird feeder for passing animals to nibble on.

There's no trash collecting in the corners. There are no plants near the front porch.

And further perplexing me, the killer has to carry its prey up four steps. And these aren't easy steps, even for longer human legs. I would imagine an animal would have to work at getting up on the porch, especially if it’s carrying its dinner. Its grey-furred dinner.

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