Spring, of course, is the time for me to start spring cleaning, or as Sue calls it, spring re-hoarding. She says I never actually throw anything away, I just put it in different places — which is not true at all. Why, only yesterday, I threw out a connecting cable to a computer I haven’t had for 15 years, a VCR, VHS tapes of things you can get anywhere on the Internet for free, and a box of unused floppy disks. I was happy to get rid of them; they were becoming a burden. Besides, I had to make room for a bunch of new stuff I bought on Amazon.
Of course, like everyone else, I have a case of spring fever — I’ve set the ringtone on my smartphone to chirp like baby birds, my screen-saver is a picture of apple trees in blossom and I watch a lot of videos of half-naked, drunk college kids on spring break. Face it, who needs to relax more than a bunch of 20-year-old kids who get up at noon and can afford $50,000 a year to go to college? I mean, it’s not like they could possibly wait for the summer to do this.
Spring also means the first commercials for weed killers, lawn fertilizers and riding lawn mowers. I have to say that I have never fertilized my lawn, and it looks pretty healthy — at least the part I can see from my security cam. I think the neighbors’ dogs keep it pretty well fertilized. And it’s funny, I’ve never seen an ad for that particular kind of fertilizer.
Well, I’ve got to go. The weather’s so nice, I think I’ll play some computer golf.
Jim Mullen is the author of “It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life,” “Baby’s First Tattoo” and “Now in Paperback.” He can be reached at email@example.com.