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March 28, 2014

WOLFSIE: Picking a movie is art

(Continued)

Spencer mumbled something about the Blu-ray’s ON button. Pushing it made a big difference and I’m going to remember that advice if we purchase any other new technology.

OK, now it should have been easy to find something we could both enjoy. After all, there were over 3,000 choices. This would be a piece of cake. Sadly, we can never pick out a type of cake we both like, either.

There were dozens of different categories like crime, mystery, fantasy, adventure, romance, and Westerns, to name a few. We didn’t know where to begin. The only thing we really agreed on was that we didn’t much like Nicolas Cage, which narrowed down the options considerably. Then we both made a list of the other elements in a movie that allowed each of us a veto.

Mary Ellen: No blood, no hour-long car chase scenes, no gratuitous sex, no juvenile bathroom humor.

Dick: No subtitles, no flashbacks, no Victorian mansions, no sappy love stories, no prequels, no sequels. (Ungratuitous sex was okay.)

We also axed all movies with less than a two-star rating by Netflix viewers and canned the few hundred films we had already seen. This narrowed our choice down to a couple dozen, but it turned out they were all animated features, which really does pretty much eliminate sex, blood and flashbacks. There was a castle in “Beauty and the Beast,” but I was willing to let that slide. We settled on the DreamWorks mega-hit “Crood.” We made popcorn and cuddled up.

Yes, it started out to be the perfect evening. Except for one thing. Who was doing the voice of the caveman Cug, one of the main characters? Yeah, you guessed it: Nicolas Cage.

Dick Wolfsie is a television news reporter, syndicated humor columnist and author. He can be reached at Wolfsie@aol.com.

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