Pharos-Tribune

Columns

March 25, 2014

VILLAGE IDIOT: Getting it all shipshape in only one week

After spending a week in the Caribbean on a cruise ship, I wondered if Sue had been intentionally starving me all these years. We never have mid-morning pastries at home. She never serves a dessert with lunch. And where is our late afternoon slice of pizza? Where is our before-dinner margarita and bar nuts? Where are our four-course meals nightly with wine? We don’t need a vacation; we need a chef.

I’m now wondering if it is possible for a human to go without food for three or even four hours. What will happen if we have to go five entire hours without something to eat? Surely that is just as deadly as eating the wrong part of the pufferfish.

It wasn’t until I saw how the other half ate that I realized how deprived I was. Why do I have to get up every morning and walk to the kitchen to have breakfast, when on the ship they brought it right to my room? I had the feeling they would cut it up and feed it to me if I had only thought to ask. Next time I will. Why waste my precious energy lifting a fork and a knife?

For years I’ve been trying to lose weight, watching what I eat, staying away from sweets, exercising, avoiding beer and liquor, always asking our hostess for “just a half a slice, please” when someone invited us out to dinner. Then when I get on board this ship, I realize that I’m the only person on the planet who’s doing that. Everyone else is having two of everything, snacking between meals, drinking liquor and beer, then doing it all over again the next day. And not only are they still alive, they’re wearing Speedos.

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