“OK, Dick. Let’s grab a bite.”
“Yes, I’m starving. How about Steak ‘n Shake?”
“Sounds good. I’m in the mood for a burger.”
“No, no you’re not in the mood for a burger. You’re in the mood for a good steak, or a market-priced lobster. Come on. Work with me. Call me a tightwad. I’ve got a column due in the morning.”
“Nah, a burger sounds fine. But first, I need to stop at DSW for a few minutes and get a pair of snow boots. It won’t take long.”
Saved! This would take her at least two hours. I could write about being able to fill out my entire 2014 tax return while she shopped for shoes. Oh, this had the potential for some really funny stuff.
“Hi, Dick, I’m back.”
“You’ve only been gone 10 minutes. You’re killing me.”
“I know. I saw exactly what I wanted as soon as I walked in the door.”
“No, no. You have to try on lots of shoes. Then you’ll come out to the car with four pairs and when we get home you’ll try them all on and ask which ones I like and you won’t pay any attention to my opinion, anyway. Please, help me out here.”
“You know, Dick. I’m on to you. You want me to behave in a certain way so you’ll have an idea for a column. Without me, you are an empty shell, a man devoid of original ideas, a writer without a thought in your head.”
“Oh, thank you, thank you. I was afraid I was never going to make that deadline.”
Dick Wolfsie is a television news reporter, syndicated humor columnist and author. He can be reached at Wolfsie@aol.com.