Pharos-Tribune

Columns

January 3, 2014

WOLFSIE: A year to not forget

This is the time of year when I acknowledge all the people who made my job as a humorist a little bit easier. Every column I write — there has never been an exception — is based on truth, something that really happened to me or someone I know, or a story in the news. So here’s a big thank you to …

The old Emily Post Etiquette book I found in my basement that contains some traditional tips on proper manners. Emily advises to never shake your napkin when opening it, which has put a damper on my first magic trick each night at the dinner table.

Muscle and Fitness magazine for featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger who repeatedly states that he loves his MF magazine. Obviously, the publication’s initials do not carry quite the same charm as Gentlemen’s Quarterly.

The European food conglomerate that “withdrew” one of their frozen appetizers from supermarket shelves because the meat allegedly came from retired thoroughbreds. In racing terminology, horses are not “withdrawn,” but no consumer wants to hear: “Effective immediately, we are scratching our Swedish meatballs.”

The fashion design company lululemon. After discovering their yoga tights became translucent when stretched, they issued this unfortunate press release: “The company is pulling its pants down off the shelves.”

The country of Iceland, where apparently too many intimate relationships are between distant cousins. The problem is that most of the Icelandic natives hail from the same ninth-century Viking settlers whose descendants never left the island. (Except those who went to Hollywood to make Capital One commercials.)

The folks at Hammacher Schlemmer, whose early Christmas catalogue featured a Shark Bait sleeping bag for kids. It contained this endorsement: “It facilitates sleep, even while the child appears as though he is being digested.” Don’t buy one. In two weeks, they’ll be on Craigslist at a fraction of the price.

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  • PETERS: Have a cup of joe to help your eyes? My day starts with coffee. I’m too cheap to buy it by the cup from baristas, so I just brew my own Folgers by the pot. I have a cup or two as I settle into work each morning, and another cup – sometimes two – in the early afternoon. That may not be w

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  • WILLIAMS: America still the dream Is America really in as bad as shape like many people say it is? I’m 67 and when I look around, I don’t see it.Everything isn’t great but believe it or not, there has never been a time when everything was great, not even in those innocent Fifties we

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  • WERNER: The mystery of the Indian grave at Dykeman Last summer I contacted Thelma Conrad, executive director of the Cass County Historical Society, to ask her if she had any information on the Indian grave at Dykeman Park. Thelma had heard of it but had never seen the small marker that tells of the I

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  • RAMPBELL: Keeping the sick at home Something strange happened here this week: Lots of workers who’ve never done so before got the right to call in sick. And that’s a good thing.The Big Apple, you see, is joining a handful of other trailblazing cities such as Washington, San Francisco

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  • VILLAGE IDIOT: The state of the reunion “Katy! It’s been so long! How’ve you been?”My God, she’s gained so much weight I didn’t recognize her. It’s a good thing we’re all wearing nametags. I thought it was some distant cousin past due with triplets.“Bob! Long time, no see.”No hair, either.

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  • COATS: What to do next with Putin, Ukraine The tragic death of 298 people on board Malaysian Airlines flight 17 in a wheat field in eastern Ukraine marks a moment when words of disapproval and expressions of grief are not enough. This is a moment when action must follow the outrage and rhetor

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  • LYONS: The most powerful men in the world? Search the phrase “the most powerful man in the world” and what comes up are photos of grotesquely over-developed weightlifters; also Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin. Awfully ironic under present circumstances. It’s a cant term TV news anchors use to

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