Pharos-Tribune

Columns

January 3, 2014

WOLFSIE: A year to not forget

This is the time of year when I acknowledge all the people who made my job as a humorist a little bit easier. Every column I write — there has never been an exception — is based on truth, something that really happened to me or someone I know, or a story in the news. So here’s a big thank you to …

The old Emily Post Etiquette book I found in my basement that contains some traditional tips on proper manners. Emily advises to never shake your napkin when opening it, which has put a damper on my first magic trick each night at the dinner table.

Muscle and Fitness magazine for featuring Arnold Schwarzenegger who repeatedly states that he loves his MF magazine. Obviously, the publication’s initials do not carry quite the same charm as Gentlemen’s Quarterly.

The European food conglomerate that “withdrew” one of their frozen appetizers from supermarket shelves because the meat allegedly came from retired thoroughbreds. In racing terminology, horses are not “withdrawn,” but no consumer wants to hear: “Effective immediately, we are scratching our Swedish meatballs.”

The fashion design company lululemon. After discovering their yoga tights became translucent when stretched, they issued this unfortunate press release: “The company is pulling its pants down off the shelves.”

The country of Iceland, where apparently too many intimate relationships are between distant cousins. The problem is that most of the Icelandic natives hail from the same ninth-century Viking settlers whose descendants never left the island. (Except those who went to Hollywood to make Capital One commercials.)

The folks at Hammacher Schlemmer, whose early Christmas catalogue featured a Shark Bait sleeping bag for kids. It contained this endorsement: “It facilitates sleep, even while the child appears as though he is being digested.” Don’t buy one. In two weeks, they’ll be on Craigslist at a fraction of the price.

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Columns
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  • PARKER: It's time to take a joke, America In selecting Stephen Colbert to replace David Letterman as host of the "Late Show," CBS has waged war on America's Heartland -- or so proclaims that Palm Beach font of heartland mirth, Rush Limbaugh. Don't you believe it, Heartlanders. But wait, ther

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  • MARCUS: Truth is often unwelcome Jim Feelwright greeted me warmly as I entered the room: “Well, here he is, Mr. Negative.” Since it was a friendly meeting, I borrowed a famous line from the movies: “You can’t handle the truth.” “You,” he said, “just don’t want to see what’s really h

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  • VILLAGE IDIOT: Signs of spring finally upon us Today I saw my first crocus popping up after the long winter. It was in a picture a friend posted on Facebook. Suddenly, it seemed everyone was posting pictures of buds on trees, robins on the lawn, green shoots coming up in the garden. It was almost

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  • Brian Bosma BOSMA: House Republicans achieve legislative priorities When the General Assembly began its work last November, as Speaker I pledged a session driven by five main issues: increased road funding, enhanced job training, early childhood education, fair business taxation and cutting government red tape. With

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