Pharos-Tribune

Columns

December 24, 2013

VILLAGE IDIOT: A rundown of the Top Ten Top lists

It's that time of year again for all the Top Ten lists of movies you never saw, music you never heard, TV shows you never watched and books you never read.

Not that you didn't try. You wanted to see that must-see movie all the critics were talking about at Sundance and Cannes but, like the rest of the movies on their Top Ten list, it never came to your town. Now you can't remember what it was called, just that it sounded wonderful. But you also remember that, three years ago, you went to a movie that was at the top of everyone's Top Ten list and you hated it. Why didn't anyone mention that it was in Dutch with English subtitles?

There were some movies you wanted to see this year but they only stayed at the mall for one week and that was the same week Sally at work was sick and you had to fill in for her. Oddly enough, she saw it. Where does she find the time?

Then there were all the movies that opened Thanksgiving Day. Why didn't you go? Oh yeah, you were busy that week cleaning the house and getting the extra bedrooms ready and shopping for stuffing and preparing a Thanksgiving meal and then cleaning up the mess afterwards — while everyone else went to the movies. Everybody went on Thanksgiving night because the next day was Black Friday and they wanted to shop, not see a movie. Then you got so busy with Christmas cards and making cookies that you still haven't seen any of the new films. You won't be able to go Christmas Day, either, because you'll be on the road to Grandma's house and that thing you ordered for Bob never came in the mail so you've got to get that straightened out, but you kids, you go see something. The kids have got plenty of time to go to movies. They aren't spending any of their free time studying, that's for sure. They act like it's hard to maintain a grade point average of .02. That's worth $50,000 a year. Why is it that when you send kids off to college, they come back stupider than when they left? You wouldn't think it was possible.

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