Pharos-Tribune

Columns

February 25, 2014

VILLAGE IDIOT: The menace that is the heterosexual

Experts estimate the number of homosexuals in the population is somewhere between 2 percent and 10 percent. Since many people are reluctant to tell their sexual preferences, it is hard to make an accurate assessment. Whichever number is true, it would mean that:

Ninety percent of the people convicted of felonies in this country are heterosexuals.

Ninety percent of all theft is committed by heterosexuals.

Ninety percent of all wife-beating is done by heterosexual men.

Ninety percent of the ex-girlfriends murdered each year are killed by heterosexual men.

American public schools, with around 90 percent heterosexual teachers, are consistently rated among the worst in the industrialized world.

Ninety percent of our rising healthcare costs are due to the care of heterosexuals dying of lung cancer, liver failure and heart disease, most of which have been self-inflicted by smoking, drinking and overeating.

Over 90 percent of ugly clothing is bought by heterosexual men.

Over 90 percent of the problems on all soap operas are caused by heterosexual characters.

Over 90 percent of all annoying telemarketers are heterosexual.

The heterosexual agenda, which advocates that all American men spend every waking moment on a sofa watching sporting events while drinking tasteless American beer, is making our nation weak and about to collapse from within like ancient Rome.

Coincidentally, 90 percent of the population of ancient Rome was heterosexual.

If you have ever been bumped from an airline, a heterosexual person probably got your seat.

Over 90 percent of the screaming, ill-behaved children on that same plane have been raised by heterosexual parents.

Long lines in grocery stores consist overwhelmingly of heterosexuals.

More than 90 percent of Congress is heterosexual.

Almost 100 percent of out-of-wedlock teen pregnancies are caused by heterosexuals.

Nearly 100 percent of divorces are between heterosexuals.

Around 95 percent of all sexual harassment complaints are against heterosexuals.

Text Only | Photo Reprints
Columns
  • Holly Sklar SKLAR: Small businesses want minimum wage increase If Congress actually listened to small business owners, the minimum wage would be going up. Instead, July 24 will mark five years without an increase since the federal minimum wage was set at $7.25 an hour in 2009.Small business livelihoods depend on

    July 23, 2014 1 Photo

  • KITCHELL: Reaction times change, but motorists don't Earlier this year, I came home one afternoon to find the worst accident on North Street I can ever recall.A bevy of police cars and four flatbed trucks were removing the pawns in an accident that damaged four vehicles. It was a bit unusual considerin

    July 23, 2014

  • MARCUS: Tax simplification is no simple matter The governor and his select invitees to his closed tax conference last month praised simplifying Indiana’s tax code. It is an idea better loved by Americans than baseball, apple, pie or motherhood.There is no question that our national and state tax

    July 22, 2014

  • VILLAGE IDIOT: The sheer dumbness of an enormous dome There is a TV series about an entire town trapped under a giant, mysterious crystal-clear dome that appears out of the blue one day. The dome is impenetrable; no one can get in, no one can get out. Who made the dome? Aliens? God? A super-secret branc

    July 22, 2014

  • HAYDEN: Road to funding Indiana highways jammed If you’ve driven on either of Indiana’s two busiest interstates recently, you’ll understand why a blue-ribbon commission last week called for adding traffic lanes to those harrowing highways.The report, issued by the Governor’s Blue Ribbon Panel on T

    July 21, 2014

  • LYONS: When academic committees play 'police' If one believes even a significant fraction of the horror stories in the national news media, beastly male behavior has become almost epidemic on American college campuses. Tales of drunken sexual assaults and worse multiply from sea to shining sea.E

    July 21, 2014

  • CEPEDA: Hispanic women flock to the movies My family attended the first morning screening of “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes,” which won last weekend’s box office with a $73 million debut.According to Lucas Shaw’s recent article “Hispanic Women Are This Summer’s Most Avid Moviegoers” on the e

    July 20, 2014

  • thelma CONRAD: A true Lincoln original The Cass County Historical Society has had in its possession for many decades several documents containing the signature of President Abraham Lincoln. The society never doubted the authenticity of the signature, given the fact that most of the first

    July 20, 2014 1 Photo

  • KNISELY: A day in the sun Every year I have my two nieces over for Misty and Me Birthday Slumber Party. The activities are always different, but the end result is always the same. It always ends with me being exhausted. Being single with no kids, my life is quiet. My life is

    July 20, 2014

  • HOWEY: A comeback saga for ‘LeBron Bayh’? This could be the saga of “LeBron Bayh.”Like a thunderhead brewing in the distance, you could see this one coming. This was the progression: former state Democratic Dan Parker announces he will not become a candidate for mayor of Indianapolis, reason

    July 20, 2014

Hyperlocal Search
Premier Guide
Find a business

Walking Fingers
Maps, Menus, Store hours, Coupons, and more...
Premier Guide
Poll

The Pence administration continues to cut Indiana agency budgets despite a state surplus of $2 billion. Is this wise management of state funds?

Yes
No
Not sure
     View Results
Featured Ads
AP Video
Judge Ponders Overturning Colo. Gay Marriage Ban Airlines Halt Travel to Israel Amid Violence NYPD Chief Calls for 'use of Force' Retraining VA Nominee McDonald Goes Before Congress Bush: Don't Worry, Sugarland Isn't Breaking Up US Official: Most Migrant Children to Be Removed Police Probing Brooklyn Bridge Flag Switch CDC Head Concerned About a Post-antibiotic Era Raw: First Lady Says `Drink Up' More Water Courts Conflicted Over Healthcare Law Holder Urges Bipartisanship on Immigration Raw: Truck, Train Crash Leads to Fireball US Airlines Cancel Israel Flights Obama Signs Workforce Training Law Crash Victims' Remains Reach Ukraine-held City Diplomatic Push Intensifies to End War in Gaza Cat Fans Lap Up Feline Film Festival Michigan Plant's Goal: Flower and Die Veteran Creates Job During High Unemployment
Parade
Magazine

Click HERE to read all your Parade favorites including Hollywood Wire, Celebrity interviews and photo galleries, Food recipes and cooking tips, Games and lots more.