Pharos-Tribune

Columns

February 18, 2014

VILLAGE IDIOT: Putting the fun back in dysfunctional

Gloria’s got a 16-year-old grandchild who dresses like a streetwalker. And her mother, Robin, buys her clothes.

“When the kid is not on the phone, she’s got those little earplugs in her ears. Her brother is 24 and lives in the basement. I think Robin leaves plates of food for him at the cellar door. I don’t think she’s seen him in five years.

“The funny thing is, Robin thinks Amos and I were bad parents — like she’s done such a fine job. I’ll agree that we were not the best parents, but it’s not our job to be the best parents. It’s not a competition. It’s our job just to be the parents. What’s that comedienne’s name? The one who used to be funny. Roseanne? She used to say that ‘if my kids are alive by they time they’re 18, I did my job.’

“Robin thinks I was a lousy parent because I made her say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and I made her go to school every day and checked her report cards and made sure she did her homework and wouldn’t let her date until she was 16 and I didn’t buy her a brand-new car when she turned 16 and I wouldn’t spend $300 on her prom dress and rent a limousine for her and all her little friends. She sure wasn’t going to raise her kids the way I did.

“No, I didn’t go to every basketball game and track meet, and I rolled my eyes at the thought of a first-grade ‘graduation,’ but I did pack her lunch every day and make sure she had clean clothes to wear. All of which makes me a horrible person. Winner of the ‘Mommie Dearest’ award for fine parenting. What was I thinking?

Text Only | Photo Reprints
Columns
  • MARCUS: Tax simplification is no simple matter The governor and his select invitees to his closed tax conference last month praised simplifying Indiana’s tax code. It is an idea better loved by Americans than baseball, apple, pie or motherhood.There is no question that our national and state tax

    July 22, 2014

  • VILLAGE IDIOT: The sheer dumbness of an enormous dome There is a TV series about an entire town trapped under a giant, mysterious crystal-clear dome that appears out of the blue one day. The dome is impenetrable; no one can get in, no one can get out. Who made the dome? Aliens? God? A super-secret branc

    July 22, 2014

  • HAYDEN: Road to funding Indiana highways jammed If you’ve driven on either of Indiana’s two busiest interstates recently, you’ll understand why a blue-ribbon commission last week called for adding traffic lanes to those harrowing highways.The report, issued by the Governor’s Blue Ribbon Panel on T

    July 21, 2014

  • LYONS: When academic committees play 'police' If one believes even a significant fraction of the horror stories in the national news media, beastly male behavior has become almost epidemic on American college campuses. Tales of drunken sexual assaults and worse multiply from sea to shining sea.E

    July 21, 2014

  • CEPEDA: Hispanic women flock to the movies My family attended the first morning screening of “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes,” which won last weekend’s box office with a $73 million debut.According to Lucas Shaw’s recent article “Hispanic Women Are This Summer’s Most Avid Moviegoers” on the e

    July 20, 2014

  • thelma CONRAD: A true Lincoln original The Cass County Historical Society has had in its possession for many decades several documents containing the signature of President Abraham Lincoln. The society never doubted the authenticity of the signature, given the fact that most of the first

    July 20, 2014 1 Photo

  • KNISELY: A day in the sun Every year I have my two nieces over for Misty and Me Birthday Slumber Party. The activities are always different, but the end result is always the same. It always ends with me being exhausted. Being single with no kids, my life is quiet. My life is

    July 20, 2014

  • HOWEY: A comeback saga for ‘LeBron Bayh’? This could be the saga of “LeBron Bayh.”Like a thunderhead brewing in the distance, you could see this one coming. This was the progression: former state Democratic Dan Parker announces he will not become a candidate for mayor of Indianapolis, reason

    July 20, 2014

  • WOLFSIE: Please go away already My wife is planning our summer vacation, which we will take in the fall. We took our spring vacation this summer. We got behind in 1984 and still haven’t caught up. I don’t have much input into the planning of these trips, but Mary Ellen did assign m

    July 18, 2014

  • PETERS: What antibiotics may be doing to us It’s astonishing to think about, but when my grandfather was born, tuberculosis was the number one cause of death in our country. Worse still, one in five children didn’t live to see their fifth birthday, in large part due to endemic and epidemic dis

    July 18, 2014

Hyperlocal Search
Premier Guide
Find a business

Walking Fingers
Maps, Menus, Store hours, Coupons, and more...
Premier Guide
Poll

The Pence administration continues to cut Indiana agency budgets despite a state surplus of $2 billion. Is this wise management of state funds?

Yes
No
Not sure
     View Results
Featured Ads
AP Video
Courts Conflicted Over Healthcare Law Holder Urges Bipartisanship on Immigration Raw: Truck, Train Crash Leads to Fireball US Airlines Cancel Israel Flights Obama Signs Workforce Training Law Crash Victims' Remains Reach Ukraine-held City Diplomatic Push Intensifies to End War in Gaza Obama Offers Condolences at Dutch Embassy Cat Fans Lap Up Feline Film Festival Raw: Lawmakers Scuffle in Ukraine's Parliament The Rock Finds His Inner 'Hercules' Michigan Plant's Goal: Flower and Die Raw: MH17 Passenger Remains in Kharkiv, Ukraine Raw: Israel Hits Gaza Targets, Destroys Mosques Veteran Creates Job During High Unemployment New Orleans Plans to Recycle Cigarette Butts
Parade
Magazine

Click HERE to read all your Parade favorites including Hollywood Wire, Celebrity interviews and photo galleries, Food recipes and cooking tips, Games and lots more.