Published: July 18, 2008 12:28 pm         

There’s nothing like a good nap

Recent studies about the medical value of the daily nap have given me reason to pause — for about 30 minutes, the exact amount of time that scientists have determined is the perfect length for a siesta. If you nod off longer than a half hour, you have officially fallen asleep. You will now be a real grump, until you can squeeze in that nap. 

I admire those brave and drowsy men and women who have devoted their lives to studying this misunderstood endeavor. So many young scientists lose their heading and drift into cardiac or cancer research. Somewhere at the medical center in downtown Indy, a PhD is sweating it out in a dreary lab injecting DNA into fruit flies while his college roommate had the brains to go into nap studies. 

“What are you doing, Silverstein? You’ve sacked out right here in the middle of your office.” 

“I guess you’ve forgotten, Dr. Grogan, I’m completing my doctoral dissertation on napology.” 

“My apologies. Dream on, Silverstein, dream on.”

Like Silverstein, I have never been ashamed of my abilities in the realm of afternoon respites. Back in the old days, I used to fall sleep during class. I didn’t think it affected the quality of my work, but the principal told me to knock it off or I wouldn’t get tenure.

There are some drawbacks, of course, to habitual napping. I completely slept through a bus tour of Paris on my honeymoon. And close friends tell me that I would have enjoyed the second half of my surprise 50th birthday party. 

My brother is also a napper. For many years he simply slouched in his chair at work and nodded off. He had a problem keeping jobs, which is why he became a New York City cab driver. Not only is he napping better, but tips have been great because he’s not always yakking at the people in the back seat. Passengers do find his snoring a bit disconcerting, however, when he’s driving through the Lincoln Tunnel. 

Women are not programmed to nap. If my wife should inadvertently fall asleep while reading, she apologizes for her lapse when she awakens, and wonders if she might be coming down with something. Men have a different attitude after a short snooze.

“Man, that was a good nap. No, that was a great nap. You know, I’m getting better at this all the time.”

I see the discrimination against nappers every day. Why, for example, do smokers get a special place in restaurants? You can get very sick from second-hand smoke, but second-hand napping has never resulted in a single casualty. 

“Good evening, sir, welcome to The Cracker Barrel. Napping or no napping?”

“Napping please, and I’d like to be over there by the fire.” 

“Very good, sir. Would you like a table or a couch?” 

Listen, if there’s a special restroom for babies who need to have their diapers changed — if handicapped people get their own spaces in the parking lot, then why isn’t there a napping section at the movies? Forty-winkers get no respect. We can only hope that racism, sexism and nappism will wither under a new administration. 

I have written about napping before. I even went back and stole a few favorite lines from a previous column for this week’s essay. I’m not sure that’s entirely ethical, but I’m not going to lose any sleep over it. At least not this afternoon.

Dick Wolfsie is a television news reporter, syndicated humor columnist and author. He can be reached at Wolfsie@aol.com