July 04, 2008 10:17 pm
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There comes a time in everyone’s life when there are no good choices left as far as fighting on our own. Janie and I are at that point. I know a lot of you out there are wondering how Janie is doing, and I have to say it’s in God’s hands now. I guess it always was, but there were things we could do, battles we could fight, roads we could take that might lead us to victory, and we tried them all, each and every one.
Janie has fought like a tiger, walking bravely into the radiation, the pat scans, the pet scans, the chemotherapy, the injections, the constant array of needles and blood drawing, she has faced it all with her courage that never ends. Only those who have had to go through what she is going through know how brave one has to be to stand it all. She is now taking one more round of chemo because the doctor told her it would give her more time with me. Janie wanted that, not for her sake, but for mine. She is ready to go home, but she knows how much I love her and how empty my life will be without her, so she is doing this because she loves me so much.
We never know for sure what kind of life we are signing up for when we marry. We all think we know, but there is no certainty. When I married Janie, it was like I had purchased a well polished violin case because I fell in love with its beauty, and its luster, and deep down, I felt somehow that God wanted me to take care of it. One day then, as I caressed it lovingly, the case fell open, and only then did I discover the beautiful Stradivarius inside, and realize how truly good God had been to me.
We have talked often of how unlikely it was for us to have found each other. I was unlucky in love. It seemed as though all of the girls I got stuck on would find someone who appealed to them more than I did after a while, and I would lose them. So I was ignoring girls while I polished my skating skills. Janie, on the other hand, had won a scholarship that promised a career in art and dress designing in New York which would probably have made her rich, so boys were just so much extra baggage for her. It happened, though, just the way God must have planned it for us, and the night I saw her face with those blue eyes, I found the one who was meant for me, and much to my pleasure, Janie thinks she did, too.
Life has a way, however, of giving us challenges we would rather not face, and we received ours when Janie was discovered to have cancer in her early 50s. It has been with us ever since that fateful day. This is the third time she has fought it, and each time it has taken something away from her, but she has never complained. She has suffered its awful presence for over 26 years now, and each time it came, she vanquished it.
This time, although she has fought gamely, she is growing tired, and there are days when the effort seems to be more than she can bear, days when life is hard. I guess that’s why she turned to me a couple of nights ago and told me to ask our friends in my next article to pray for her again. She is not afraid to face whatever God brings, not Janie, but she wants to be able to enjoy our life together as much as she can for as long as she can. A miracle would be nice, of course, but there are many things we need at this time.
We need understanding, grace, forbearance and the strength to face whatever God brings. The willingness to accept his will no matter what comes. The ability to face each day and its challenges and sometimes the pain and sickness Janie feels. We are not the only ones who have been in this position, we are just two people who love beyond what we thought we could ever feel for each other, and although we knew it couldn’t last forever, it’s still painful to even think of giving it up.
Joe Bowyer is a columnist for the Pharos-Tribune. He can be reached through the newspaper at ptnews@pharostribune.com
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